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Written by Nan Nan Liu | Researched by Matthew M | Strong Female Leaders

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How to be more assertive at work, and not aggressive?
There is a fine line between being assertive and being aggressive in the workplace. You want to be respected at work, increase your command presence, and speak up for yourself and for your team, yet you also want to avoid appearing hostile, putting others down, and making accusations. In high-stakes situations, being kind AND assertive at the same time is possible, as long as you put forth the effort to learn and practice this trait. When your natural people skills are sharpened to tackle tough conversations, they can help you become more influential at work, gain others' trust and respect, thrive in your career, and be seen as a true and deserving leader.
Below are some ways you can be more assertive at work, without being aggressive.
1. Be More Direct
Many women speak with passive language, in order to appear nice, only to appear soft. For example, instead of stating that "I need those documents completed by 5 p.m.," they say, "I was sort of hoping that you could finish this assignment soon."

Words such as "sort of," "I think" and "It would be great if" lessen the importance of the task at hand, as well as the importance of the person assigning the task. Setting specific deadlines, spelling out details and speaking with a firm tongue can only improve your image as a respectful female leader, and correctly communicate the assignment's expectations and your own significance.



2. Be Open Minded
When pushing for your own agenda, strike a balance between passion and empathy. It's great that your solution appears to be the most brilliant; however, other team members offer valuable insights too. Having an open mind gives you control over your emotions in situations that you don't have control over. You may not get your way all the time, but you will have more information to make a decision with, and do it with confidence.
3. Be Ready to Walk Away
During tough negotiations such as negotiating salary increase or contracts, be ready to walk away if the situation becomes combative. As great as it is to stay loyal to your organization or nab that contract from competitors, if you don't get what you are worth, then you should look for more attractive opportunities. You are better off focusing your energy on seeking new opportunities than selling yourself short.

Still can't walk away? One method is to separate your options into one of two categories: a must-have section and a nice-to-have section. If anything in your must-have section is not met, then ready yourself to walk away, respectfully, assertively and with your head held high.



4. Have Contingency Plans Ready
Let's face it: you will never get everything you want. In order to face disappointments with grace, you can stay confident by preparing contingency plans. A fear of failure exists in even the most successful individuals. To ease your own fear of failure, having Plan B in your back pocket, even if you don't need it, can help you be more assertive in tricky situations.
5. Overcome Imposter Syndrome
Many women suffer from Imposter Syndrome, which is "a psychological term referring to a pattern of behavior where people doubt their accomplishments and have a persistent, often internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud." Feeling like an imposter can paralyze you to speechlessness in high-stakes situations when you need to be heard the most. If you believe that you don't deserve the job that you have or the accomplishments you have worked hard for, then you will never assert yourself the way a successful female leader should.

One way to overcome Imposter Syndrome is to focus on the process, instead of how you feel and what others think about you. Focus on what you are doing, right now, and what you hope to accomplish, right now. Be action-oriented and not judgement-oriented. And just pretend that everyone wants to see you succeed. So, why shouldn't you?



6. Visualize Positivity
Being assertive in the workplace isn't all seriousness. You can be happy, smiling and still assert yourself confidently and respectfully. To do so requires having a positive mental attitude, full of affirming thoughts.

What are you grateful for today? Who makes you happy? When was the last time you really laughed? What are your happiest childhood memories?

Point is: there are many ways to fill your head with positive thoughts. During tense times at work, you may need to look harder, so start practicing, and practice often. And, if all else fails, just stand tall, pull your shoulders back, and smile.

[ End of Article ]

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1. "What would you do if you weren't afraid?" -- Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook

2. “All sorts of things can happen when you’re open to new ideas and playing around with things.” -- Stephanie Kwolek, chemist who invented Kevlar


3. "Being a woman on a team of all men, means that you are going to have a unique voice" -- Erin Teague, Head of Product at YouTube VR and AR - Google




4. “If we do not share our stories and shine a light on inequities, things will not change.” -- Ellen Pao, Investor


5. Love what you do and do what you love. Doing something new and different requires a level of drive and passion that is really hard to fake. When your heart is behind what you are doing, so much is possible.” --  Tracy Sun, Co-Founder Poshmark


6. “Perfectionism prevents us from taking double steps in our career. We think we have to be perfect, but we don’t.” -- Reshma Saujani, Founder of Girls Who Code




7. Trust in yourself, believe that your voice matters, and know that your words are good enough.” - Amber Gordon


8. "Women shouldn't be afraid to put themselves forward." -- Sarah Wood, Co-CEO of Unruly, a UK-based video and tech company


9. “Surround yourself with a trusted and loyal team. It makes all the difference.” -- Alison Pincus, co-founder of One Kings Lane, a fast-growing online business that offers private home decor sales




10. “People don’t take opportunities because the timing is bad, the financial side unsecure. Too many people are overanalyzing. Sometimes you just have to go for it.” - Michelle Zatlyn, co-founder and COO of Cloudflare


11. “The word ‘female,’ when inserted in front of something, is always with a note of surprise. Female COO, female pilot, female surgeon — as if the gender implies surprise … One day there won’t be female leaders. There will just be leaders.” -- Sheryl Sandberg


12. “Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, ‘We’ve always done it this way.’ I try to fight that. That’s why I have a clock on my wall that runs counterclockwise.” -- Grace Hopper, Computer Scientist




13. “They never asked me to go back over (my calculations) because when I did it, I had done my best, and it was right.” -- Katherine Coleman Goble Johnson, Mathematician at NASA

14. “When I first started using the phrase software engineering, it was considered to be quite amusing. They used to kid me about my radical ideas. Software eventually and necessarily gained the same respect as any other discipline.” -- Margaret Hamilton, Pioneer Computer Scientist

15. “In the internet era, the key to a successful business is understanding the customers’ expectations — and half the customers are women.” – Jean Liu, President of Didi Chuxing



16. “I would like to be remembered as someone who was not afraid to do what she wanted to do, and as someone who took risks along the way in order to achieve her goals.” -- Sally Ride

17. “Do what you love and success will follow. Passion is the fuel behind a successful career.” -- Meg Whitman, former CEO of Hewlett Packard

18. “The quality, relevance, and impact of the products and services output by the technology sector can only be improved by having the people who are building them be demographically representative of the people who are using them.” -- Tracy Chou, Engineer at Pinterest

19. “Dreams do come true, but not without the help of others, a good education, a strong work ethic, and the courage to lean in.” -- Ursula Burns, CEO of Xerox

20. “Now we’re in an age where technology is mandatory, and we wanted young girls to have this understanding and know how to build an app.” --Peta Clarke, Technical Lead at Black Girls Code

21. “Don't let anyone rob you of your imagination, your creativity, or your curiosity. It's your place in the world; it's your life. Go on and do all you can with it, and make it the life you want to live.”--Mae Jemison, first African American female astronaut in space

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